Happy new year, all! So yesterday morning, I read this op-ed piece in the Washington Post, which made me go from eye-rolling to idea-mulling. You see, in my busy Type A-filled area populated with overinvolved helicopter parents, I hear it from moms all the time: “Oh my god, I don’t have time to (fill in the blank) because of the kids!” And they usually expect me to nod in agreement and empathize. And it seems a universal whine–I hear it from moms who work outside the home and stay-at-home moms, moms with one child and moms with three.
But instead of blanket agreeing with them, I usually give them an eyebrow raise and say, “Really? You know it’s not just good for YOU to (insert activity here they are bemoaning about) but for your WHOLE FAMILY, including your KIDS, right?”
And then they look at me incredulously, sometimes haplessly, sometimes with borderline derision, or sometimes with just pained acceptance, and say something along the lines of, “Well, maybe when you have kids, you’ll understand.” To which I reply with a, “Oh, mine are ten and eight years old. How old are yours?”
I had my kids in the beginning of my 30s. At that time, I’ve also become a group fitness instructor, published a novel, became a folk dance choreographer, joined a band, and taken up yoga in a serious way. (Not all at the same time though, I’m not THAT crazy!) I’ve also managed to hold on to my full-time job and stay married.
Before you throw tomatoes in my direction, my point here is not to brag. My point is that it is POSSIBLE to have something of your own while raising kids. Could be something as simple as a book club, or something as involved as changing your career or re-entering the work force. And volunteering in your kids’ elementary school doesn’t count. I’m talking about something that’s just FOR YOU, no kids involved, something that feeds your soul, something that recharges and energizes you for the energy-sucking full-time 24/7 job that is Motherhood.
To assist you in your quest to reclaim your personhood, I’ve assembled a MUST DO LIST to rediscover yourself. And by “must” do, I mean just that. Non-negotiable, must-be-done things for the coming year:
- Exercise. Yep, this is number 1. Non-negotiable. You MUST do this. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for the kids, because a healthy mom is a healthy family. I don’t care if you take a walk just once a week around the neighborhood. Exercise gets the blood flowing and the neurons firing.
- Feed your mind. Read the newspapers, play Sudoku on your iPhone, watch MythBusters on TV. The source doesn’t really matter here so long as you are regularly receiving an input of information you didn’t know before.
- Go on a date with your spouse. Doesn’t have to happen weekly or even biweekly. Hell, me and the hubby go out maybe once every six week. But go out together just by ourselves we do, and I can’t tell you the thrill we both feel when we drive away from our house with no kids in the backseat. Makes us giddy and feel young all over again.
- Stop fixing your kids their own meals. Seriously, you are not a restaurant. Start fixing healthy stuff for yourself. If the people in the house choose to eat it, they get full. If they don’t, they go hungry. Simple as that. No need to stress about it or make a big deal.
- Stop skipping breakfast. You KNOW you’re not supposed to skip breakfast, right? YOU KNOW THIS. You do. EVERY single personal trainer, doctor and nutritionist preaches this mantra. The universality of this idea is quite astonishing among professionals who still can’t agree whether eggs are really good for you or not. But breakfast? It’s pretty much an accepted fact that it is good for you. And skipping is BAD FOR YOU.
- PART 1 OF 2: Go out with your girlfriends. Nothing revives and rejuvenates the spirit more than sisterhood.
- PART 2 of 2: Don’t talk about your kids. Seriously, there are 1,002,443 other things to talk about. Like current events. Fashion. The movies. Sex. And if all other topics fail, there’s always the Kardashians. Oh, and speaking of sex…
- Have sex. With your spouse, yourself, I don’t care and I don’t judge. Sex with your spouse is good for your marriage. You know this. And sex with yourself is just like dessert, only with less calories.
- Buy yourself something indulgent without guilt or remorse. I’ve met moms who talk like getting a new pair of impractical shoes is criminal. If your wallet can handle it, why the hell not? So what if you don’t really have anyplace to wear them to? You go to the grocery store, right? No reason you can’t dazzle the checkout folks with your red-soled shoes.
- And finally, the last thing on the “Must Do” list for 2012: Stop being so hard on yourself. We’re all of us going through the same things, experiencing the same hardships and triumphs, riding the same waves. It’s how we handle them that make us different from one another. This is where my yoga has really helped me (hey, gotta put in a plug!) become more aware yet less worried.
What do you think? Doable? Impossible? Eight out of ten? Two out of ten? Don’t stress about this list now, that would be the exact opposite of what I’m proposing here. Really, at the end of the day, all I want us to accomplish is to reclaim our individuality, to remember that we are more than guardians of our children, that we were SOMEBODY before the little tykes came along. Because we know too that there will be a time when they will leave us to our own devices. Hopefully, when that time comes, you will look forward to getting reacquainted with yourself with joy and wonder.
