Back in college I used to say I’ve never regretted anything in my life. And at the time I was so young it was probably true. In my twenties, I used to say my biggest regret was not having spent a semester of college abroad. When I started writing books in my early thirties, I realized that I should have picked NYU over my alma mater so I could have gone into publishing, become an editor, and had an easier entry into a novel-writing biz.
And now as I’m nearing forty, another regret has crept into my life: the fact that I stopped ballet at 10 years old.
Why did I stop? Simply put, I had unsupportive parents who didn’t believe in dance. But if I went back in time knowing then what I know now, I probably would have still stopped dancing. Ten year olds are very much still under the dominion of their parents, Filipino kids even moreso than Americans. Defying my mother would have been impossible. She would have probably beaten me to a pulp, then locked me inside the house if I had somehow found a way to keep going to ballet on my own, no jest.
We moved to America when I was fourteen and that could have been my big opportunity to start dancing again. But I had a hard enough time fitting in at school, nevermind at a ballet studio. Besides, we were dirt poor and had no money for classes. I could have started dancing again at college. There were tons of recreational ballet and other activities at school. I do remember attending one modern dance class and was totally discouraged when I discovered I’d lost all my extensions and training. I promptly dropped the class and never looked back.
In my twenties, I was focused on jump-starting my career and traveling the world. Dancing never even entered my mind unless it was going to a club and shimmying to the latest beats. Aside: I did take up ballroom dance for my wedding (fun!) and became a hip hop teacher in the interim. But as for actual dance training? I thought it was too late.
In my thirties, I’ve switched careers, taken up group fitness teaching, and have one published novel under my belt. My thirties is the Decade of Multitasking. It’s also the decade when I’ve come to realize that not only do I love the world of dance but I love the arts period. I love performing and writing and acting and dancing and live music. The biggest regret now is not working in some kind of artistic field, be it in dance or fine arts or creative writing or performing. So many people must be suffering from these same regrets thanks to parents who didn’t believe or circumstances beyond their control or a lack of finances to pursue their dream. It doesn’t feel good at all. You feel helpless as time marches on and life passes you by while knowing that if you could only do it over, you know exactly what choices to make.
If my kids ever wanted to pursue something in the arts I fully intend to support them with thought, deed and money. I’ll pay for lessons, drive them to and fro, volunteer backstage, sit in the audience for each and every performance, find good teachers and colleges, take them back home because they’re auditioning and don’t have money for rent, etc. etc. You get the drift. If it’s in my power to make their dreams happen, I most certainly will. I can’t have them regretting a failed dream or goal and blaming me for not having achieved it.
Very sad I missed it, but at the same time wouldn’t have missed hip hop class. I love it. Ms. Represent even gave me some props and used me as an example of what to do. And, best of all, she didn’t pick on me as much. I’m getting better. Flat out!
